everyday everyones lives changes. each and every second they do things that would change their lives. always trying to prove the best they can ever be. but no one actually knows if the outcome is good or bad. its just hard to predict what may come in the future. all of us try and try, its a continuous job each and everyone of us do each day. we try.

something may be wrong with me, but im just someone who is so lost in this world. so is half of the population of the earth. everyone asks themselves what are they actually doing here. just to live and die? just to make reputation and one day just pass away? none of us know the answers. all of us may live different lives but all of us ask the same question. why? only God can answer that question.

life is so complicated. i cant even find a solution to a simple equation. i always fail. i never succeed in what i do. everything around me just pulls me down. even though encouragement comes, it still is negative to me. nothing in life comes easy. we all know that. but what would it be like if all of us just live simple lives? just like the movies. what beautiful love stories with endless love and the perfect ending. all of us wants that, but the truth is, we cant. none of us can get that perfect ending we all see in the movies. our lives change rapidly. we meet new people, we see new worlds, we explore acres of land, we climb higher peaks, we strive to live.

i, just dont know what is in it for me. i thought i knew when i was with her. but i was wrong. none of us can plan for the future. all of us want that perfect future with that special someone. but hey, this isnt the movies. this is life. its reality.

each day i live life like there isnt any tomorrow. with that, i just be myself. change for the better. strive for any achivement i can get. independence is a must. but somehow, i live life with sadness in it. what was broken, is still is. its been months and months. i still feel this way. its so hard just to accept the facts of life. that everyone goes through it. but somehow, im still stuck here in this rabbit hole. i plummet into one full of joy and came out the opposite. because of that, i cant let go of that rabbit hole. i still want to go back to that specific rabbit hole to feel the happiness i did before. but what is done, is done. the rabbit hole that i was once in is now covered. it has moved to a new hole and i just stand on top of the old one just waiting.

rick.

/edit 4.15am

there is still one thing i regret till this day. i think of it everyday. it was something that i was helpless in. i couldnt do anything. i felt so useless. i was in kk. i still feel it till this day. it was the worst thing a guy could have ever done. i cant express how fucked im feeling right now. i just cant. nor will i tell anyone what this is all about. so please dont ask. this was the worst mistake i ever made. u could say for my whole 19 years of being me, this is the worst. i just act on the outside that everything is fine and its no big deal, but inside, it hurts. it hurts me so badly.

i dont think i can take any of this anymore. i just cant. fucked up, all of this is. because of this, i cant sleep. i cant shut my eyes without thinking about this feeling and image. it just sticks for life. i hate me. i fucking hate me. i regret every single thing in life. i shouldnt have come to kl.